I always wondered why thing that happen to us happen. Why is it that we fall in love only to have our smushed into little bitty piece, why is that we think we know people and we trust them, we give them our hearts, we give them our souls and then....they get crushed. I am 2 months from divorce and so many questions arise in my head. Why did I get married, why didnt it work, how is it that you can imagine your life and imagine this person in it, and all of a sudden, it's not gonna happen that way. How can you fall in love w/ someone and they say they love you but they are a mystery it seems. It seems all I have is questions, most of which are unanswerable, I guess I have to try and remain optimistic as I always am, push on through and hopefully this new person in my life will love me and make happy. Will just be there for me, is it so much to ask to want to be happy, to want to be with someone who would give up anything for you, even someone else? Cause that's what I did....I figured out that me and my husband...we wont work. I love him more than life itself and I want so many things for him but, this is not an ideal world, and life is not perfect and I figured out that someone else makes me happy in a way that he doesnt. it sucks because for a long time it was him and I and thats how it was gonna be. Now it's me, thinking about being someone elses wife, and having someone elses children and as much as I wanted it to be him...it's not.  It's weird because it's been awhile since I have written in this thing and I go back and I read it and I realize how much I have grown and how much i have changed and I'm married now for christ sakes...soon to be was. I guess all I can do is hope and pray... his name is Wesley and he is soo great, he is quite amazing, he's even too much sometimes, sometimes I wonder why the hell he wants me, because i might play hard ass and think im something great but the truth is i am anything but extraordinary but I am good person with a good heart. It's just there's this other girl and she scares the hell out of me. There are things that i know that I want to know. Things I found out by pure luck, things I found from other people and things I found from snooping. I know more than I should know, I know more than he thinks I know but I just pretend like I dont know. I pretend like everything is perfect...but it isnt. If he really loves me as much as he says he does, dont you think he'd be able to stay away from her, dont you think he could just let her go, like how I am. I'm leaving my husband.....my husband for him...dont you think he would be able to do that for me? It's just frustrating because I am good person and I dont think thats hould be happening to me. The question is I guess why do I let it, I could just leave, I could just give up, after all the reason why we broke up in the first place is because I kinda wanted him to do it so he could just be with her, I wouldnt look like an idiot anymore and it just wouldnt hurt. But it actually hurt more, I dunno i just have soo much to say on the subject because I keep it bottle it up and no one knows, he doesnt even know, maybe things will just work themselves out or maybe they wont. But he should leave her alone, but he wont...i'm not enough, sometimes people are just not enough, sometimes it's just not enough.

  If there's one thing i've figured out this past year in a half is  the key to life is being happy and with being happy, doing things that make you happy. Well i'll be the first to say that the Navy does not make me happy, it is a good thing to do and I applaud those who give 4 years or 20 years, I really do but me...i cant do it. I cant deal with being away from family, I cant deal with busting my ass and  not getting recognition, i cant deal with wanting to go to school and getting mo support from my chain of command, I cant deal with being treated like im just a number not a person.
That's what the navy has made me feel like so with that being said, i'm getting out of the navy, and im going to work and go to AACC for 1 semester and then I will be following my husband where he goes, and continue my education there.....some people like my family will be upset with that decision but the funny thing about it is, it's my life and I have to live with the decisions i've made, and i'm going to be ok. The military isnt for everyone, and i know that, i'd rather struggle to live and be happy rather than be out to sea working 16-17 hour days and be miserable and depressed with money...so thats my rant for the day.........back to civilian life......maybe